"If your husband was here..."

Let me preface this entire post by saying that I, in no way, shape, or form, believe that I deserve anything for Mitch's service to our country. I will also say that not only do military members sacrifice their safety and sometimes their lives, but they also sacrifice their time with family, planning for future trips or vacations, holidays, birthdays and births, higher wages for the same job in the civilian world, and much more. Yes, military members also enjoy a lot of benefits...job security, great healthcare, traveling opportunities, and even the occasional military discount.

Let me set up my day for you.

Mitch is still at training in Washington. Had he been here, our usual fall Sunday ritual is to watch professional football all day and talk fantasy football trash. Since my friend Mel and I both have a love for football and a lack of at home viewing opportunities, we decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Mel's husband, John, is also at survival training with Mitch. 

We got a booth with an excellent view of both the Seahawks and Browns games. Mel got there before me and had ordered a beer, for which she was asked for her ID. She presented her military ID, which does have our birthday on the back, and was told that they offer a military discount.  When I got there Mel shared the information with me and again our server confirmed. I have learned to really appreciate the military discount that a lot of businesses offer. I used to feel awkward asking for it or even accepting it, but the local businesses here really changed my outlook on that. It's presented as more of a, "it's the least we can do", type deal, which makes me feel better. A lot of businesses even group the military discount with any public service such as police, firefighters, etc.

Anyway, when we got our checks our server asked for our IDs to show his manager for the discount. We handed them over along with our credit cards and thanked him for bringing up the discount. When he brought the slips and cards back he asked if it was our parents that are active duty. We told him no and that our husbands were active duty. He said, "Oh, okay, I thought you guys were active. We only offer the discount to active duty members. If your husband was here, you could get it." 

....if my husband was here....

I told him it was fine.

What I really should have said was that my husband is not here because the military has him across the country. Mel's husband is also not here because the military has him there, too. One day, ignorant sir, you are going to say that to someone whose spouse is missing in action. Or someone whose spouse won't be here for a year because of his or her deployment. Or maybe you will say that to someone whose daughter died in Iraq and husband went on a remote tour overseas. Or maybe someone who just delivered her first baby by herself because her husband was deployed and couldn't be here. They may not say that it's fine. Maybe, just maybe, the irony of offering a military discount to only active duty members is that the ones who are left behind and considered dependents, could be the only ones able to use it. And maybe the absence of an active duty spouse can be made just a bit less painful when a restaurant acknowledges the service member and offers a small discount on overpriced food. 

But, if my husband was here...

I am not upset about not receiving a discount, I'm upset because of the justification of denying me it and the inconsideration with how it was communicated. If you are only going to offer a special discount to active duty members, train your staff about what that ID looks like and the importance of clarifying that prior to offering it. I don't feel entitled to any discount; it is a bonus, a gift that should come from a want, not an obligation, for the company to support the military or any service industry. I really appreciate the companies that offer discounts, and we usually choose those places over other equivalents to reciprocate the support. 

The importance of thinking before you speak cannot be overstated. You never know what cards life has dealt people and a little consideration can go a long, long way. 

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Giving blogging the good old college try!

***Due to computer problems and the formatting not being able to be fixed, I had to repost this blog. This is the same as the original first post, just moved up the page a bit. :)***

I have always wanted to blog so that I had a more detailed record of life that I could look back on and read when I need to smile, or cry, or just muse at how fast time goes by. I figure now is as good of a time as ever, especially since a lot of changes are about to take place in our lives!

Be warned...this is a super long post that pretty much explains everything you need to know (and more) to understand any subsequent blog posts. I tried to summarize, but I'm a talker. :)

Let's play some catch-up...

On July 24th, 2011, Mitch and I got hitched! We had a really simple but amazing day with tons of friends and family. We did the ceremony and the reception in the Banquet Room at Wright-Patterson AFB's Club. It worked out very well that we planned it that way because it rained persistently and heavily that day. I remember that when I was driving with one of my bridesmaids from our hair appointment to the club, I was the only person actually still driving on the highway because all the other cars had pulled off to the side to wait for the worst of the storm to pass. Well, they say it is good luck for it to rain on your wedding day...right? Anyway, we went on a wonderful, week-long honeymoon to Sandals Whitehouse resort in Jamaica. When we got back we moved to Vandalia (a northwestern suburb of Dayton) and I took a job with J.P. Morgan Chase Bank as a personal banker and Mitch started working for Honda in their inventory department in Troy. We were there until Mitch for orders to go to Pilot Training in Columbus AFB, MS in February 2012. I left my job at Chase and wasn't able to transfer since there are no locations in this region. It actually ended up working out really well because I was able to take advantage of my time off work and go back to visit my mom in Ohio every month.

Right after the ceremony :) Mitch had set aside a couple 
delicious beverages for us to have when we got back to the
rooms after the ceremony. I'm pretty sure that I have never
 loved him more!

In beautiful Jamaica! We had our honeymoon at a Sandals
all-inclusive, adult couples only resort. All-inclusive is the 
way to go, people. The weather was great and we had such
 an amazing time!

When they came to pack us up at our apartment in Vandalia,
OH. Don't worry, the truck was shared with another family's
belongings! The movers were super efficient and very nice 
to work with. All in all our first moving experience went 
pretty well!

Mitch in front of our old building when we left it for the last
time...bittersweet! We lived right across the street from the 
Dayton Airport and a Dairy Queen...we had it made. :)

That February we made it safely down to Columbus, MS and started our new life at Columbus AFB. Mitch began USAF SUPT (specialized undergraduate pilot training) in April 2012 after he got back from a month of IFS (initial flight screening) in Pueblo, CO. There are three phases of SUPT -- 1. Academics, 2. T-6 (propeller plane everyone flies to start training) 3. Specialized training on either the T-38 (fighter/bomber track) or the T-1 (cargo/tanker track). The first phase was pretty busy and time consuming as they learned a ton of information in such a short time. The second phase put them on what they call "formal release", which means that they were at training for twelve hours a day, Monday through Friday, sometimes on weekend days too depending on how weather had been. Then they would about eight hours worth of study material or flight prepping and be expected to get eight hours of sleep also...ridiculous. Not enough hours in the day was an understatement for them. Mitch and I had dinners together, sometimes. The hours could be anywhere from from 4am-4pm to 11am-11pm, or later. The third phase was varied in their schedules...sometimes they would get home after a couple hours, sometimes it would be formal release. All the students in T-1s (what Mitch tracked) went on cross-county flights which meant that they were gone for one weekend during phase three. Mitch did his to San Antonio and had a great time! It was a crazy schedule but we got through it together. Looking back now it all seems like a blur; a very busy, exciting blur.

Our house on base! The housing in two of the three villages 
on base had been redone in the last 5-10 years so the houses
are decently nice. We have about 1400 sq ft, 3 bedrooms and 
2.5 bathrooms. It was a good house except for all of 
the cockroaches that also wanted to live there!

Mitch in the DA-20 he flew at IFS. This picture was taken
after he completed his first solo flight EVER! Such an amazing 
accomplishment since he only had a few flying hours
previous to going to Colorado.

In front of the "dunk tank" the students get thrown in after
 flying the T-6A solo for the first time! This water would only 
get changed before each class used it and it was horribly 
disgusting and stinky. The tradition allows that if you are
able to make it back to the flight room after your flight 
without anyone catching you, you can avoid the dunk AND 
everyone must buy you beer. Most get dunked either way. :)

With the T-6A. Every student will start by flying this plane 
during their second phase of SUPT. Based on your '
performance, academics, and your preference, 
you track into your third phase airplane. (See below)

The T-1 that Mitch flew in Phase 3 of SUPT. This is a 
business jet essentially. It is meant to prepare students for 
flying cargo or tanker missions, learn how crew concept
 works, and how to drink your coffee without spilling it. ;)

Before I get too far ahead of myself on the catching up, it is important that another big change in our life be focused on for a bit. On April 6, 2012, we adopted our puppies! We went to Tupelo, MS after we saw some cute puppies on the Humane Society's website. When we got there we made a beeline for the cute pups we found online and had the volunteer help us. She opened the cage and the little tan one darted out straight to Mitch; it was love at first sight. :) Then she asked me which one I would like to play with since none of the others were enticed enough to get up from their naps. I asked her to let me play with the little black and white puppy and I immediately fell in love with his tiny spotted tummy. She told us that they had been dropped off in a box with their other brothers at a local business in Nettleton, MS (just south of Tupelo) and the humane society was called to get them. She left us to play for awhile and when she came back she asked us if we decided if we wanted to adopt one and I told Mitch that it was his decision. To my surprise and delight, he told her that we would take both of them! :) :) So now we have Dexter and Eli, and they are a huge part of our little family. :)

Baby Eli (black and white) and Dexter (tan) playing at the 
Humane Society when we met them for the first time! They
 were only a little more than two pounds each and about 7
 weeks old! And because I get asked this question ALL the
 time, yes, they are brothers. And no, we don't know what
 mutt mix they are, but we are planning on doing a breed
 DNA test at some point!

The ride home :) The first picture I ever got with them 
looking into the camera. They are so little here!

In their first buckeye gear t-shirts :) 
These no longer will even fit over their heads haha

This is the first time they met my mom! This is 
probably my favorite picture of them and of her. 
They loved her so much and I know she was 
so excited to have some grand-puppies :)

As for some other random changes...
Just to keep things interesting we decided to trade Mitch's Nissan Sentra in for a Honda Fit, then eventually we sold the Fit and bought a Chevy Silverado, huge and diesel. We ended up giving my Honda Civic to Mitch's parents and I took over my mom's Ford Escape. I think we are settled on the car front for now, except for maybe buying a cheap, gas-efficient, commuter car for Mitch when we get to WA.

Mitch's parents passed on their Fleetwood Mallard travel trailer to us after purchasing their lake house, so we will be toad-tripping in style on our way to WA. :) We are super excited to be able to explore lots of places around WA when we get there and be able to take the pups with us!

Despite Mitch's inflexible schedule, we have been able to explore a lot of the surrounding areas. We have now been to New Orleans, Nashville, Memphis, Jackson, Starkville, Tuscaloosa, Tupelo, Birmingham, Pensacola, Ft Walton Beach, Panama City Beach, Dothan, and a few state parks. We are definitely going to miss being so close to the Gulf, but we are excited for a whole different outdoor life with mountains and lakes!

The Fit! We said we didn't want another red car and we 
didn't want a hatchback...yep. It served us well for our 
many trips to Ohio and back, though!

The huge truck and camper combo! Bring it on, road trip!

At the Superdome in New Orleans, LA for the Final Four

At the Navy museum at NAS Pensacola, FL 
for Labor Day weekend '12 :)

At the Mississippi State football game in Starkville, MS with
 our friends Alex and Shaylee Berry! Luckily for us the game 
was a "white out" because we weren't prepared 
for the fancy ways of SEC football ;)

In Tupelo, Ms for my first Disney on Ice experience! I had 
only been hinting (and flat out asking) about wanting to go
 for 5 years ;) It was so much fun and we had a great time 
being children at heart :)

At a bar in Nashville, TN! We met Mitch's parents there to 
celebrate Mitch's Dad's birthday :)

At the 'Color Me Rad' 5k in Jackson, MS with my friends 
Christy, Kristina, Jayme, Lindsey, and Josh!

Our results from deep sea fishing in Panama City Beach, FL 
with our friends Alisha, Mel, Jon, Trey, and Christy. 
We went over Memorial Day weekend '13 and had such a
 great time! We stayed at Hurlburt Field in 
Ft Walton Beach, FL and visited PCB for the day to fish :)

Another major event in our lives happened in January when my mom lost her five and half year battle with Multiple Myeloma. Adjusting to life since then has been really difficult and we are definitely heartbroken to not be able to share our new adventure with her. We find comfort in her not being in pain anymore and know she is watching over us with my dad. I wrote a lot about going through that experience with her in Hospice for those last weeks and losing her, which I will post separately. It is an emotional and detailed account of that time, but I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.

Me, my mom, and Kaitlyn on Christmas Eve. I really love
 this picture of the three of us. It is probably the last really 
good one that we got. Mom looked so beautiful and found 
so much joy in having family around during the holidays.

This was the three of us on New Years Eve at Kettering
 Hospital. Since my mom was not doing well, we all brought
New Years celebrations to her. She was the life of our
 little 'party', as usual. :)

When mom was still coherent and feeling okay in Hospice, 
we did puzzles together. This was the last picture we ever 
took together and it is so important to me for all that it 
reminds me of during our last couple weeks together. Up 
until she wasn't able to communicate anymore she was 
constantly comforting me and was so incredibly brave. 
To be half the woman she was would be an
 amazing accomplishment.

Well, all of this basically brings us up to the present. We recently celebrated our second anniversary! It just blew our minds that it had already been two years! We didn't do anything special because we had a lot going on with pilot training coming to an end, but we hope to take a vacation once Mitch is finished with all of his training sometime next year. Mitch finished pilot training in early July and on assignment night (a ceremony at the club where the class members each get roasted and find out their assignments) we found out that Mitch's next assignment will be to fly the C-17 at McChord AFB, WA!! :) We are so happy that Mitch got his first choice of aircraft and we are super excited to explore a whole other part of the country that we have never been to before. Finally, on July 26th Mitch graduated from SUPT and I got to pin those shiny, beautiful, hard-earned wings on him! We had both sets of his grandparents, his brother and girlfriend, his parents, and my sister all come down to celebrate the occasion with us! Pilot training for the Air Force is difficult enough without going through what we went through during the last year and a half, which makes Mitch's accomplishment even more impressive. I could not be more proud of him and I am so blessed to be able to call him my husband. A few years ago we had no idea that this would be our life, but we have kept faith that God has a plan for our lives, even if it isn't how we pictured it.

Right now Mitch is at survival training in Spokane, WA at Fairchild AFB. He will complete field survival training there for three weeks and then fly down to Pensacola, FL to complete the water survival portion of his training. He gets back with only a few days to spare before we make the move to Altus AFB, OK for him to start initial training on the C-17. We will be in Oklahoma for about 4-5 months and then move to WA late February or early March 2014. Hopefully I will continue to keep up with the blog while we are in this next phase of transitions before we get settled in WA!

At assignment night after we found out his assignment! The
 spouses in his class all wore personalized t-shirts that said,
 "remove before flight" across the front and they had wings
 on the back with our last names. Pretty cool :)

Mitch officially becoming a USAF Pilot!

The wings that they put on at the graduation ceremony are 
just magnetic and aren't the 'real' wings. I got the wonderful
honor of pinning on his real wings after the ceremony! :) 
So exciting!

All of us in front of the wing headquarters building on
 Columbus AFB with our new pilot!

Mitch and I in the T-1! They had the T-6, T-1, and T-38 all on 
static display for the families to get an up close look after the 
ceremony. It was ridiculously hot, so please excuse our 
sweat dripping everywhere :)

Before we went to the formal dinner Mitch's dad pinned on 
his mess dress (formal wear) wings! I just love this moment
 between them! And of course Matt's reaction ;) His dad was 
also a USAF pilot and trained at Columbus AFB where Mitch 
was actually born! :) Full circle! ...minus having a child ;)

Mitch pinning on my 'sweetheart wings' at 
graduation dinner. :)

Finally, I just wanted to thank everyone for all the support we have received through the pilot training process and the struggle of losing my mom. We have only been able to survive because of the selfless love from our family and friends, old and new. For the food delivered, trips made, memorial donations, shoulders to cry on, watching of our dogs, studying help, listening ears, and memories made, thank you so, so much.

Stay tuned for more blue adventures of the Greens :)

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Oh, moving.

There's a certain thrill to me about getting ready to move. I do enjoy a change of scenery and it is nice to go through all of your stuff and cleanse of the non-essentials. See ya stuff that has expired, clothes I never wear, and general crap I kept because, "what if I need it someday?". But there's also this nauseating element to an upcoming move when it comes to the actual packing and uprooting your life part. Since Mitch's orders are for us to go TDY enroute (temporary duty assignment where you only go for a few months with minimal possessions on your way to the final destination) to Washington, that means I have the daunting task of sorting through what I think we may need to survive through the next 4 or so months, inclusive of my 3 favorite holidays. Challenge accepted, Air Force. Oh, did I mention Mitch only gets back 4 days before our movers come? Lucky me. 

Honestly, Mitch is a huge help around the house when he is around. I got stupid lucky when I married a man who thrives on organization and attention to detail (almost) as much as I do. He even did an equal amount of work when planning our wedding, which is basically unheard of for the male species. I rely on his opinion and creative solutions so much that it has been difficult to make even simple decisions about moving. Before he left for survival training he did as much as he could to sort through the things he wanted me to make sure came with us to Oklahoma, but I still feel like a lost puppy. And now that we are on day 3 of 6 of him being cut off from communication, I am really losing motivation to be productive. 

So today I took down all the pictures on the second floor walls. It was mindless because they obviously have to come off and the nails needed removed. Decision made all by myself! I piled all the wall hangings on our futon in our office and was so proud of myself for completing that task. Then, as if my brain was channeling Mitch, it occurred to me that I should have piled everything on the main floor. "They are just going to have to carry all that downstairs and that is where all of our other wall stuff is anyway", my Mitch voice said. Ugh. I think I will leave it upstairs anyway. Moving stuff, that is what movers are paid for, right?

I also had this "genius" idea to take everything out of the kitchen that we want them to pack for storage and put it in the hutch with nonessential glassware. Well, I filled the hutch up faster than I thought. So I got a box and sat it next to the hutch. Then I overfilled that box. And broke a nice glass infuser pitcher. That's how I got started on the upstairs walls. Obviously I am doing a super job when left by myself to handle this.

Finally, I went into the guest bathroom and went through our medicine cabinet to dispose of everything that is expired. Something I couldn't mess up! Mitch would be telling me everything was fine, even if the date was way expired, and wouldn't let me throw it away. Silver lining alert! It feels so good to throw stuff away!

...like the whole bottle of Baileys I dumped down the drain that expired in '07...

Oh, I love/hate moving. :)

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"No one ever told me grief felt so like fear" - C. S. Lewis

I wrote this in March when processing through the grief of my mom passing. Now that I am going to commit to the blogging thing, I decided to share it. 

A year ago was a very different time in my life. A year ago Mitch was in Pueblo, CO at his Initial Flight Screening and I was in Ohio hanging out with my family. I didn't have my puppies, but I had my mother. Ironically, I was reading one of many failed journals and one of my entries was just after New Years in January of 2012 and I was recalling my very emotional New Years Eve. I broke down during the first moments of 2012, uncontrollably emotional about how I feared this would be my last year with my mom. A few days short of a year later on Saturday, December 29, 2012, I had Mitch clear the snow off the front sidewalk at my Mom's house so I could wheel her to the car and drive her to the hospital for the last time. 

I had called her on my way to Chipotle to tell her that Mitch and I were picking up food then taking it to meet his mom for lunch, then we would be on our way to see her. I asked her how she was feeling that day, as I did every day. She told me she woke up around 1am and had a really bad pain and couldn't breathe out of her right lung. My stepdad's solution to this was to have her take another pain pill and go back to bed. She eventually fell back asleep but woke again in the morning with the same pain. Why he didn't take her to the emergency room right away, I will never understand. I told her I would be right there to take her to the hospital and hung up to call Mitch and redirect our plans. Mitch and I drove separately that day because we were both planning on me staying at my Mom's while he went back later to hang out with his parents...we were way too prepared as it turned out. If you've never experienced what I like to call a "life pivot" then you may not understand, but there come times when you feel all at once utterly helpless, empty, scared, anxious, or even excited...you lose control of everything for a moment and are instantly forced to accept a new reality. You look at your life from the outside for a moment and you just have to let it happen, knowing nothing will ever be the same again. 

I have had many life pivots in my time on earth. Some more dramatic than others; some happy and some just horrible. The moment I married Mitch was a happy pivot and I didn't want life to ever go back to being how it was. Horrible pivots are self-explanatory.

We spent New Years in the hospital and even had a little "party" in my mom's room. We brought hats, sparkling cider, and some food. I remember her being such a good sport...she even wore the giant New Years Eve top hat we got her. The DVD of Mitch and my wedding had just been completed so we popped it in and and watched it as if it were just an evening at home while reminiscing about the fun we had that day. The first few moments of 2013 I remember thinking I wanted to just close my eyes and go back in time. I knew 2013 had nothing good coming for our family and I felt like I was being pulled along against my will into the new year. 

On January 2, 2013, we made the move to Hospice of Dayton. I have always wondered what my mom was thinking about during her ambulance ride from the hospital to Hospice. I know while I was driving right behind the ambulance, all I could do was worry about them getting her there safe. It's ironic that I would care they got her to the place she would die without killing her, but being killed in a car accident after a five and a half year long courageous battle with Multiple Myeloma was more injustice than I could even fathom. I recall very clearly standing in the empty hospital room just after she was removed and crying with my sister, Kaitlyn. It's unreal how many times I've cried in a hospital over the years and I knew this was going to be my last time crying in one for my mom. 

Hospice is a wonderful, despicable place. We figured one day it would come to this, but miracles are supposed to happen sometimes, right? The last time I had been in that hospice was almost three years earlier to say goodbye to my dad. Fortunately, between some of the interior being redone and my mental trauma of that time, I couldn't even recognize where his room had been. My dad went quickly once he got to hospice, but we knew that wouldn't be the case for mom.

Mom was very alert for the first week; she was talkative, joking around, and doing puzzles with me. I stayed with her every night and only left to take showers unless some friends came to visit to force me to eat for a bit. Kaitlyn stayed almost every night too; thank God we had each other to lean on. It was such a mental challenge to accept that this woman, who was stealing my breakfast sandwiches and ordering me about picking up the room, was not going to survive. It gives me chills to describe it but it was almost like for one week she got to be normal again...she had an appetite, she wasn't in much pain, and she sarcastically picked on all her visitors in her innocent, witty style. I know I'm repeating myself, but it was just so crazy how she hadn't been able to taste any good food for so long because of the chemo, but she sure enjoyed food that last week! 

I will never forget while she was still conscious and everyone would leave for the night, how she was so brave. Sometimes she would cry, but it was always because she was worried about Kaitlyn and I. I would cry the most and curl up next to her on that tiny bed while she assured me it would be okay. She was the strongest, most loving, least selfish person I have ever known. 

My turn to comfort her came as she began losing her ability to communicate. Kaitlyn and I started to easily pick up on her subtle signs of pain starting to creep back up so we could call for more medicine for her. We had a system of changing her depends and cleaning her up. We worked together to rotate her on different sides to avoid bed sores. We tried to keep her lips unchapped and her hands and feet lotioned. It never seemed like we could do enough, despite how much we did. 

There came a day where she developed hiccups and things started to go quickly downhill from there. She would hiccup and then moan after each one. She got them with maybe 5 minute breaks in between, even through the night. Medicine wasn't really working and it was so painful to listen to her uncontrollably jolt her body with each hiccup. We would take turns waking up through the night to call for more medicine to try to lessen her discomfort from them, but it was in vain. I think the hiccups were the point we started to pray for her to let go and pass on. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. The things that happened to her because her body was shutting down were absolutely sickening and I will never be able to un-see them. Horrible is the only word that comes to mind. 

Thursday, January 17, 2013, 10:29am...dreadful life pivot. I had just sent Kaitlyn off to get her errands done that we never accomplished because we never left Mom's side.  I laced up my shoes so I could walk down the hall to get coffee. I was texting my friend, Christy, who was watching our puppies while Mitch and I were in Ohio, because I knew it was getting close to the 20th of the month and I had bet Mitch didn't leave her our dogs heart guard medicine. Well, lucky for me, I was right. Explaining where it was and when they needed it took priority and I sat in that chair next to her bed instead of leaving. I used to think seconds only seemed significant when I was running on the treadmill...turns out seconds are powerful things. I heard my mom breathe oddly and went over to her left side to hold her hand to calm her down. Sometimes she would make odd sounds or breathe strangely, but I knew this was different immediately. The breaths were so strained and I can only describe it as what I would imagine it would sound like to hear someone try to breathe out of a punctured lung. I hit the nurse call button immediately even though I knew it wouldn't, shouldn't help. I said I didn't know what was happening but I needed her nurse immediately. Steve got there in like 10 seconds and verified that she was taking her last breaths. I sobbed as I shook so hard I couldn't even get my phone to make a call to my sister. I finally called her and told her through tears, "Katie, it's happening". She wasn't even two thirds of the way home and then I had to worry she was going to wreck on her way back. I'm still unsure if I made the call to Kaitlyn before she took her last breath or not, because it all happened too fast. I know I called my aunt Cindy and told her it was happening also, but I am sure mom was already gone at that point. Steve left me after her last breath and I lost it, I couldn't handle it. I called Mitch and about ten mins later Steve came back and did the official verification of her passing. Everyone believed my mom waited to be alone with me, but I don't know. I am so grateful I got to be there with her. People told me I shouldn't because its a hard thing to do, but mom and I knew it was best for me to be there till her very last heart beat. I didn't let go of her left hand until 12:00pm when I forced myself to let her go. I felt her go from hot to cool, but I couldn't let go.
My mom was my hero, my best friend, and my teacher. She was the greatest woman I have ever known and I will never be able to get over her loss. I miss her more than words can even come together to explain. 

I know that when we lost dad I never thought anything would make sense again, but eventually it did. This is going to take longer and I'm quite convinced life will never make sense to me now, but I have to accept this pivot and keep going. 

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice there is."

A lot of people tell me that I am the strongest person they know...I guess that means I am the person that has had to be more strong than anyone else they know. I am not a strong person in comparison to my mom or my dad. I try to live in ways that honor them and make them proud, but I don't pretend to be strong about it. I don't ever argue with someone I agree with without thinking of my dad's uncanny ability to analyze every situation to a point that he could change his argument in favor of almost any opinion, just to keep people on their toes. I know waking up to my socks lost somewhere in the sheets is because my mom and I both had body temperatures controlled by our feet and when we got hot those were the first to go, even in an unconscious state of sleep. 
I hope to make a collection of all these memories of my parents so I never forget why I am the way I am. I want my possible future children to know who their grandparents were and love their memories. 

Hopefully once I get out most of my feelings I will be able to write about more cheery things my parents would be proud of. But for now, my life is who I am and that's what I have to write about.

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