Bittersweet Tradition

I have had a really hard time sleeping lately, hence me still being awake at this hour. Usually I don't have any dreams, but every now and then I will have a streak of bad ones. They are typically super stressful and in some way forcing me to lose my mom or my dad all over again. I never feel rested when I wake up the next morning and I am usually thrown off my groove for the day. The past few days have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. If I had to take a guess as to why I have been having more bad dreams lately, it would probably be that I am secretly dreading the holidays.

I know that the holidays are supposed to make you feel cheerful and full of hope and love, but I'm not feeling it this year. I just flat out miss my parents. And my sister and the rest of my extended family and friends at home. This is the first year, I'm sure of many, that I won't be home for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure if we were going to have to take a trip to WA for house buying purposes during Christmas, but I've basically decided houses in WA can wait. I didn't realize how much it would affect me until the time came. I thought I'd want to get away for the holidays, but since I don't even have the option for Thanksgiving, I want to be home more than ever. I can't wait to come home for Christmas.

The traditions are the hardest thing about the holidays to give up for me.

My mom and dad LOVED this time of year. My dad was such the entertainer and loved nothing more than being around his huge family. My mom was similar and, even though she was sick, happily took over the holiday hosting duties after my grandma passed away. She hosted Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Halloween (her favorite after Christmas!), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, and everything in between. All she wanted was to have her family close to her. For as long as I can remember, we have set the tree up the day after Thanksgiving. It is my favorite pastime of my childhood. We would get up early and go to my grandma's and set up her tree, then head to Bob Evan's for brunch. After we stuffed ourselves we would come back and add the finishing decorative touches such as huge silver snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, our favorite stuffed animals under the tree, and frosting the mirror above the mantle. Then of course that evening it was time to go downtown to see the lighting of the huge Christmas tree. It was always such a perfect day. After my grandma passed away, we kept the tradition up at my mom's house. My sister and I have since added a personal touch and have to have Enrique Iglesias' 'Hero' playing on repeat while the tree is assembled. Sometimes we even take breaks for interpretive dancing. :) Mom would laugh so hard at us as we would slide across the floor in our socks to each other, singing our hearts out into fake microphones! At least the tree always was ready for our Christmas Eve party. Christmas Eve has always been spent with my mom's side of the family, followed by midnight mass at Our Lady of the Rosary, sometimes with both of my parents. The church is so beautiful inside and always decorated the exact same, comforting way. I can't imagine being anywhere else on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure how things will work this year, but I guess that's how new traditions form.

Christmas Day was when we celebrated with my dad's side of the family. There are so many people in my family that it has always worked out better to do a gift exchange than buy for everyone. You will never see a pile of presents higher than at my dad's family's Christmas. Because of the chaos of tons of presents, my grandpa used to always play Santa and read off names and hand them out one by one. After my grandpa passed away, my dad very fittingly took over. He had no shame in his Santa duties (actually, the only downside for him was it interrupted his annual Christmas nap) and he gladly wore a Santa hat (he had a Brown's themed one, too!) to make us all smile. He would accidentally go a little quicker than my grandpa used to when handing out gifts and one of his sisters would undoubtedly speak up to tell him to slow down so they could get pictures or see what was going on. He was more than happy to please. :) My cousin, Chad, does a great job of being Santa now, but it's just not the same. Sometimes change is a welcomed part of life, but I'm missing my traditions.

I know I'm luckier than most to have such fond memories of the holidays growing up, and I don't take that for granted. It occurs to me now that I am going to have to try extra hard to keep traditions up with the transient Air Force lifestyle. I know it won't always be possible to be in Ohio for the holidays, but at least we can try to keep some traditions in tact wherever we are.

I have said 'tradition' an excessive amount by now, but it is the point of this post. Traditions are what make you excited for next year, all year long. They help you bond with others, they create memories, and they are a stable, reliable comfort. I find that even the smallest, yet personal traditions have a huge impact. When Mitch and I got married we were in agreement that Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving, not a moment before. Our (mini, temporary) tree will go up this Friday, Christmas music will be allowed in the house, and serious Christmas shopping is allowed to commence. Our traditions are mainly hand-me-downs from our families, but I would like to start some of our own this year. I think it will be helpful to me emotionally getting through another "first" set of holidays to have new traditions to look forward to. I guess that means it's time to get on Pinterest to get my creative juices flowing!

Every year I have been most thankful for getting to spend another set of holidays with my mom...this year I am most thankful that I have a wonderful husband, family, and network of friends that make this time of year a little less difficult. I keep saying that it would be impossible to get through without that support, but I do mean it genuinely.

Some final thoughts...
Be extremely thankful for everyone you are able to spend the holidays with and don't take any part of it for granted. Get recipes for your favorite dishes so they can live on and go with you wherever you go. Don't get lazy about keeping old traditions or starting new ones. And don't celebrate Christmas till Friday. ;)

I hope everyone has a safe, blessed, and wonderful Thanksgiving!

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Coffee and Pastels

This week Mitch was working during the evenings/nights, so we had some extra free time during the day. I have been going regularly to a local coffee shop with some friends here and it was finally time to introduce Mitch! The owners of the shop are a wonderful couple, Donald and Doris, that retired from the Air Force in Altus after Donald's last assignment. He was a flight engineer and she started the coffee shop. In its prime, the shop was not only coffee and tea, but had all the kitchen gear you could dream of and she even taught cake decorating classes. Probably my most favorite part of living in a small town is that people actually slow down to get to know each other. We haven't even been here for 3 weeks yet, but I already feel like a "regular" to the shop and a part of the small community.

On Wednesday morning I finally got to take Mitch to go get some coffee. Donald was working and quickly made sure to make Mitch feel welcome. He sat down with us and before we knew it we had talked to him for two hours about the Air Force and life at the coffee shop. I am always so amazed at how much you can learn by just taking time to get to know even one person. Forget stopping to smell the roses...stop and talk to people!

Since we had been there for long enough for our stomachs to start to growl, we decided we might as well try out the local favorite spot for lunch, The Grapevine Cafe. When I say local favorite, I mean basically the only place you can really go, so people have to love it. :) But for real, it is good. The restaurant is Paris themed and the food was delicious! We will definitely be going back.

"Confectionately Yours" aka the coffee shop :)

Doris makes the fudge and it's amazing!

Donald's patch collection is hung around the shop

He will trade you a drink for a patch :)

They sell delicious coffee and loose-leaf tea!

The Grapevine Cafe

Awesome mural! Love the people on the stairs :)

This week is also the first time I have taken an art class since high school!

My friend, Jayme, found an advertisement for this oil pastel class going on at the library downtown and we decided to give it a shot! It went Tuesday through Thursday from 6-9pm, perfect for Mitch's late night work schedule. :) The teacher of our class is the local high school art teacher and he did a fabulous job! I seriously have no skill, but he was very patient and helped in any way he could. There were only 8 of us in the class so it was easier to get some one-on-one help. Jayme and I were the youngest people there by a generation, but we still had so much fun! It was awesome to try something out of the ordinary and get to know some people in the local community. Doris, one of the coffee shop owners, was even in the class! When I say small town, I mean small town. ;)

The first "assignment" haha

Our work station at the end of day 1

Other half of the class' work stations

Jayme and my Wall of Fame (or shame, we like to say) ;)

My final drawing, based off of a picture I took (see below)

The picture I took at the Altus reservoir as inspiration

Even though art is not really my thing, I absolutely loved taking that class this week. My mom loved art and even took a couple classes a couple years ago. Getting out to go to class when she didn't feel well still brought her so much joy, so this made me feel close to her. I know she would have been super proud of me for stepping outside of my comfort zone. It's amazing how therapeutic doing something that connects you with those you've loved and lost can be. I will definitely make it a goal to take an art class every now and then, just to feel that connection again. Even if you don't have someone that you've lost, discovering more about yourself and your abilities is always a win. :)

I can now add something to the list of what makes me happy and keep at it; it's the best I can do.

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Winner Dinners!

If you want a healthy and tasty dinner, here are a couple solid choices :)


The first is Zucchini Lasagna. I got the recipe from Skinnytaste.com, but modified it just a little. I don't eat red meat, so I use ground turkey. And I found a can of crushed tomatoes with basil since Walmart was out of fresh basil. Also, it was too cold to face the grill, so I oven roasted the zucchini at 400 for a bit instead.

This goes perfect with some caesar salad and homemade garlic bread, I might add. :)

Getting the excess moisture out

Sauce mixture

obviously not professional haha

amazing end result!

The second is Spaghetti Squash Pad Thai, which I got from another blog site via Pinterest.
I didn't take any pictures of this, but it is most surprisingly delicious. I have not been able to find bok choy or red chili peppers in my limited grocery options, but I don't think Mitch even noticed. ;) A side is kind of hard for Pad Thai, so we had some edamame with it.

Also, I usually try to make two dinners out of one to make life easier on me, so here's a tip. I reserve enough spaghetti squash and some chicken so that Mitch and I can have it with some pasta sauce for the next meal. We still have leftovers of the Pad Thai even with me leaving out some squash, so it worked out perfectly. I usually stir fry some peppers and onions to put in some pasta sauce, then add the meat to that, then top the squash with it. YUM!

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Veterans Day Weekend :)

I would like to start out by saying how grateful I am for everyone who has served and is serving this country as part of the military. I have thought a lot about how you can honestly appreciate many things in life you have no experience with (i.e. military service overseas, medical professionals in emergency situations, the miraculous process of creating ice cream ;), etc...), but when you actually experience that part of life for the first time, you are shockingly humbled. When Mitch was going through ROTC in college and his parents told us about the intensity of pilot training, we were like, "Oh yeah! We are so prepared! We got this!". Then we got to Columbus AFB and the intensity of the program slapped us across the face and reality checked us. I can honestly say it is one of those experiences that you cannot possibly comprehend until you go through it. I have always seen Mitch's dad's pilot training awards in their basement and I've recently come to understand that I only thought I was impressed with them. After Mitch went through training, their worth and merit meant an incredible amount more to me; I am now truly impressed.

The further we get along this road to real Air Force pilot life, the more impressed I am with those who have gone before us. Likewise, the more I learn about what happens behind the scenes of military service, the more amazing it is to me. I wish I could have an opportunity to go back and express to my grandparents and dad my new, more genuine appreciation for their service. I'm not sure I ever had a chance to thank any of them a first time, to be honest. My mom's dad died before I was born and it never before occurred to me to thank my grandma for her sacrifices as his spouse and baby mama. My dad's dad died when I was young and I'm unsure if I ever thanked him, but I am sure I never thanked my grandma before she died. My dad had a short stint in the army, but a stint nonetheless. He never talked about his service and I honestly never thought about it until the honor guard members presented my sister and me with a memorial flag at his funeral. Despite the fact that we should be (and mostly are) appreciative of our military every day of the year, days like today hopefully inspire people to vocalize it when they otherwise may not have. So, happy Veterans Day to all service members, past and present! Thank you so, so much.

Now, onto our weekend adventures!

Friday we went to go try out the Italian restaurant in town, Roma's. We are so excited to have a good Italian restaurant to eat at without having to drive an hour! We splurged and got a bottle of wine and some delicious tiramisu. It will definitely be a go-to restaurant for us while we are here.

Saturday we had plans to head to Oklahoma City to celebrate our friend Melanie's birthday with some friends from our time at Columbus. We went to dinner at Royal Bavaria Brewery, an amazing German restaurant and brewery! The beer was awesome and appropriately came in liter or 2 liter boots. The food was equally as amazing!

Mel with sparklers in her birthday bread pudding :) Note: beer in boot to the left!

We went out in Bricktown after which was a ton of fun! We stayed at the Courtyard Marriott that was right at the edge of Bricktown. The hotel has a complimentary limo that will take you to and from the bars downtown, so of course we had to take advantage of that. :)

We were lucky that that same night our friends, Rachel and Evan, were stopping in OKC on their way to Albuquerque from Alabama for more helicopter training! We keep thinking that every time we see them is the last time, and we keep getting pleasantly surprised by our travel plans working out. :)
Oklahoma City was a ton of fun and we will for sure be making another trip before we leave!

Since Mitch had the day off we decided to take a trip to the Wichita Mountain Wildlife Refuge (about an hour east of Altus) to do some hiking and visit the city of Lawton (the closest city that has real 'things') to take advantage of some Veterans Day Perks. The refuge is seriously breathtaking. They have a ton of different animals there that roam freely and enjoy a protected habitat. There is even a sign as you are coming in that warns you that buffalo and longhorns are open range and are dangerous. It was awesome to see them just eating grass on the side of the road in a natural habitat, though. During the hike through the mountains we saw them in the distance but nowhere near the path we were on. Mitch and I read in the visitor center that the buffalo can run up to 30mph...the dogs could probably beat them but not so much for us. It wasn't so much that we thought they would randomly charge us, they actually seemed quite content to have no interaction, but we figured the dogs would bark at them and disturb the peace.

They are hiking pros! They navigated up and down the rocky paths so well!

Super smiles :)

If you look closely, there were people hiking along the bottom as well. We plan to make that our next trip!

Buff Buff

Dex rode like this most of the time there! He loved looking at the buffalo and longhorns!

After we left the refuge we went to Lawton to do a little shopping and got dinner. Luckily there was a Chick-Fil-A in the mall so we could get the pups their usual grilled nugget treat during trips. :) We figured since we made them wait in the car while we shopped and again while we ate dinner, we could treat them. (AKA- we always find ways to justifiably spoil them) A bunch of corporate restaurants have great deals for veterans and active duty service members on Veterans Day, which we are very grateful for! We had decided on going to Olive Garden, but their wait was over and hour...not okay with pups waiting on us. I asked the hostess if we could get food to go, but she said that the free meal was only available for eating there. To our pleasant surprise, she apologized and gave us a rain check and told us to come back and get the meal whenever we wanted! What an awesome way to really go the extra mile to say "thank you"! We were super impressed. We ended up going down the road to Outback and they had no wait! Outback doesn't offer a free meal, but the service member gets a free drink and a bloomin' onion. Dinner was delicious and we even made a pit stop at Starbucks on the way home to get a couple free coffees. Starbucks was offering tall coffees to not only the active member, but any active duty spouse as well. :) Score! It was the perfect end to a fun day.

Our first bloomin' onion ever!

Even though Altus is a small town in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma, it is just more proof that every assignment is what you make of it. I will be the first to admit that I didn't have the greatest attitude about our move to Mississippi in the beginning, but I miss it a lot now. If I have learned anything from what I've been through in the last few years, it's that every moment of every day is precious. I wish I could call my parents and tell them about the silly buffalo walking down the street, but at least I went out and saw silly buffalo walking down the street. The best you can do is to do what makes you happy.

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The beginning of our trek across the country!

So I realize that I have been not posting about what has actually been going on in Mitch and my life so much as I have been using this to elaborate and reflect on some personal times in my life. The thing is that I just realized after sharing my first post about my mom that it was really liberating to write about my feelings. Not only does it make me feel like I can be more open about what is going on in my mind and heart, but it kind of takes a weight off of my mind when I have it written out. It's as if I don't have to carry the burden of remembering all those details all the time because I have documented them now. So, feel free to skip posts like that if you're not interested...but I have a feeling that some part of all of us is more interested in those personal posts than surface level life events. Or maybe I'm just the only person who is inappropriately curious about the details of people's personal lives... :)

Anyway--
Mitch survived survival training (ha!) and was very happy to get back home! Because of the tropical storm he even ended up getting home a few days early and had to reschedule the water portion of survival training for April. Lucky...he will get to go back to Pensacola when it is just getting warm and beautiful!
It was actually really nice that he got home early because it gave us some more time to get the house ready to move. We even ended up getting to take a trip to Ft. Rucker, AL to see what assignment night held for our friends, Jeff and Alisha. They got their top choice and are going to the other AFB in Washington, which means we will only be a few hours apart. :) Woo!

When we got back from our trip to AL we got to work on our last minute prep for the movers to come. We had to make some minor repairs thanks to our wacky dogs, but we finished with time to spare. Packing up your home really puts into perspective the amount of things you can do without...I know I said that in my other post, but for real..crazy. We also scrubbed the house from top to bottom- blinds, baseboards, fan blades...you name it. I think my hands smelled like bleach for days after we finished. Cleaning our house to that extent made me consider how potentially nasty it really is to continuously live in the same house. I was wondering how people who live in the same house for 15..20..30 years ever actually have a clean house.  There were just places that would have never been touched if we hadn't had everything removed from our house. Examples include hosing down our porch and all our porch furniture, under the washer and dryer, the back corners of cabinets and drawers, deep cleaning of the oven and fridge... Maybe that's what spring cleaning is for, but wow. And maybe people do those things all the time and I just have never had a full house of stuff to worry about...? Anyway, when we get settled in our house in Washington we have made mental notes to thoroughly and completely clean every now and then.

I am aware that I have always talked in tangents...back to business.

Mitch and I were originally scheduled, as per his orders (orders are the 8.5"x11" pieces of paper that make official everything a military member and his/her dependents can and must do because they have duty station and date information on them), to move from Columbus to Altus on the 18th of October. If you recall the beginning 16 days of October were a little rough for the government as it was shutdown and all. We had a couple setbacks and some unnecessary stress with getting our move figured out, but in the end we ended up rescheduling everything for a week later. Most of it went off without a hitch and we left Mississippi on the 25th and broke up the drive by staying with our friends, Trey and Christy, in Little Rock. The rest of the drive to Altus, OK wasn't too bad, but it did take us longer than we expected since the camper restricted our travel speed. Luckily the dogs have become travel champs and we had no car sick incidents the entire way! :) Unfortunately, however, even with the delay our apartment wasn't going to be ready for us when we got here. Our awesome friends, Alex and Shaylee, graciously allowed us + wacky pups to stay with them for a few days. Dex and Eli are about the same size as their adorable pup and they definitely enjoyed having some extra play time before we got our own place!

On Wednesday we finally were able to end our nomadic streak and settle in to our new temporary home. Because this is just a temporary duty (TDY) station on the way to Washington we didn't bring all of our stuff. The movers took most of our stuff to a storage facility in WA and we took some select stuff with us to get through the next 4+ months. We got a furnished apartment here which surprisingly was very nice! We are happy with the quality and (most importantly) the comfort level of the furniture. It is on the second floor which means we don't have a yard, so that has been an adjustment for the dogs (and us) when they have to go potty.

So far Altus has been pretty good to us. The weather has been pleasantly warm for this time of year and the only complaint we have is the crazy wind. There is a city reservoir really close to us that is a perfect and scenic place to take the dogs to walk or run. There is even a dog park by it which the dogs also really love as a consolation to their lack of a yard!

Mitch started his initial C-17 training on Monday and so far he is enjoying it. :) He should be moderately busy while he is here in comparison to at UPT and it will be nice to have some extra quality time together before we get to the "real world" and he starts deploying. I brought some projects with me and have a pile of books I hope to get through the next few months, so hopefully that will help me stay busy as well. Altus is definitely a smaller town than Columbus, but still has a decent amount to offer. Fortunately we have a good amount of friends here for training also from our time at Columbus, which is definitely making our time more enjoyable. It is crazy to think that this is our last stop on the way to Mitch starting his flying career! Time flies... He is scheduled to be finished here on the 19th of February and I'm sure that will be here before we know it!

I don't have any pictures of our place or anything great to share yet, but I will be sure to take some soon!

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The most comforting words I've ever heard...

I recall so vividly a lot of the time I spent with my mom in the hospital over the years, but the most vivid memories are of the last time. 

It was a couple days into my mom's hospital admission after having her painful breathing through the night and we still weren't sure what was going on. I was sitting my mom's hospital room with her and we were waiting for a call from her oncologist to hear what her options were depending on what was going on with her health situation. When her doctor finally called, my other family member took the phone first. My level of frustration can not be described without a long back story, but it was not solely due to the fact that I had been the one who requested her call in the first place. Anyway, I heard this family member ask her a multitude of questions, the last of which was what kind of time frame (for how long my mom had to live) we were looking at...utterly horrifying. If you ever spent time talking to my mom about her faith and her cancer, she would have told you that never wanted to have doctors tell her any time related information; she had always believed that only God knew how much time she had. The fact that this person asked the doctor over the phone right in front of my mom is a testimony to my extreme frustration with the situation. Not to mention we still didn't have any information on what was truly going on inside my mom's body to warrant that kind of question.

When it was finally my turn to talk, I asked the doctor to hold and told my mom I was going to take the call at the nurses station so I didn't bother her. False; I knew I wouldn't be able to hold myself together in front of her if it was bad news. I also knew I had to ask for a time frame now because the only person who knew couldn't be trusted to relay accurate information and I had to know the truth for verification purposes. I was physically sick over it. I spent most of my time on the phone internally yelling at myself to try to listen and not worry about my looming, disgusting question. I did take in a decent amount of what the doctor said to me, and my super-involved-caregiver mentality kicked in eventually. I tried hard to focus and I asked every question I could think of to find any possible way around the words I heard.

Eventually it had been made clear there were no other treatment options and the path we were headed down couldn't be changed. Finally, I had to ask the big, grotesque question. She told me it could be a few weeks to a month. A few weeks to a month. 

A few weeks to a month. 

There it was. And it couldn't go away. The number my mom didn't believe in and didn't want to know, much less have anyone else know. It was like my mind had been soiled forever. I knew my mom would ask me because she heard the question asked in the room, and if she didn't, I would have to ask her if the person said anything to her...which then would mean I would have to admit I asked also.

There are times in life where it seems that your best judgment may also be your worst judgment. I knew I had to ask as a measure of protection, but I also knew it was still none of my business no matter who else knew. Was there even a right decision?  (Side note for the curious ones like myself: My mom was grateful I asked so she knew the info in case someone didn't relay it accurately.)

I would be lying to you if I told you what I said in reply to that or what was said before I even hung up. The next thing I remember is sobbing uncontrollably. The nurse who had been sitting at the nurses' station during the whole call looked up at me with tears streaming down her face and grabbed a box of tissues and came out from behind the desk to give me a hug. I managed to choke out they told me a time and how it wasn't fair. She asked me how old I was and then told me she was only a couple years older when she lost her mom to cancer. I somehow managed to tell her I was so sorry for her loss and her reply was so unexpected and perhaps the most comforting advice I've ever been given.

"This is going to be really hard for a long time and it will never be the same, but it will get easier."

She went on to tell me how it's been 23 years since her mom passed away and she still gets sad when she can't call her or spend birthdays and holidays together. Living without her mother was still a daily struggle and life was never the same, it just got easier to deal with her absence over time.

I don't think I ever got a chance to tell her how much it meant to me she didn't come around that nurses' station wall and tell me, "it's going to be okay". I did not want to hear that when it was literally impossible to imagine life ever being okay again. I understand that a lot of the time people don't know what to say, and to be honest I usually don't know what I want to hear, either. Having that nurse there that day was such a blessing.  It may sound weird that I wanted to hear those words, but they were perfect. 

It has been just over 10 months since that conversation happened and I heard those words. She was 100% right. The pain of not having my mom here, especially during our changes right now, is as strong as ever. But, it has gotten a little easier to manage.

There isn't a day that does by that I don't miss both my parents and have waves of grief wash through me. When you lose someone you love, life can never go back to being okay. You will move forward and things will get easier to deal with eventually. Life becomes a different kind of okay, where you learn to live again and stop feeling guilty every time you laugh.

I will forever be grateful for that nurse and how honest she was. She was probably debating what her best judgment call would be while I was on the phone debating mine, and she made a great decision.

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