Bittersweet Tradition

I have had a really hard time sleeping lately, hence me still being awake at this hour. Usually I don't have any dreams, but every now and then I will have a streak of bad ones. They are typically super stressful and in some way forcing me to lose my mom or my dad all over again. I never feel rested when I wake up the next morning and I am usually thrown off my groove for the day. The past few days have been physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. If I had to take a guess as to why I have been having more bad dreams lately, it would probably be that I am secretly dreading the holidays.

I know that the holidays are supposed to make you feel cheerful and full of hope and love, but I'm not feeling it this year. I just flat out miss my parents. And my sister and the rest of my extended family and friends at home. This is the first year, I'm sure of many, that I won't be home for Thanksgiving. We weren't sure if we were going to have to take a trip to WA for house buying purposes during Christmas, but I've basically decided houses in WA can wait. I didn't realize how much it would affect me until the time came. I thought I'd want to get away for the holidays, but since I don't even have the option for Thanksgiving, I want to be home more than ever. I can't wait to come home for Christmas.

The traditions are the hardest thing about the holidays to give up for me.

My mom and dad LOVED this time of year. My dad was such the entertainer and loved nothing more than being around his huge family. My mom was similar and, even though she was sick, happily took over the holiday hosting duties after my grandma passed away. She hosted Easter, Memorial Day, Fourth of July, Halloween (her favorite after Christmas!), Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, birthdays, and everything in between. All she wanted was to have her family close to her. For as long as I can remember, we have set the tree up the day after Thanksgiving. It is my favorite pastime of my childhood. We would get up early and go to my grandma's and set up her tree, then head to Bob Evan's for brunch. After we stuffed ourselves we would come back and add the finishing decorative touches such as huge silver snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, our favorite stuffed animals under the tree, and frosting the mirror above the mantle. Then of course that evening it was time to go downtown to see the lighting of the huge Christmas tree. It was always such a perfect day. After my grandma passed away, we kept the tradition up at my mom's house. My sister and I have since added a personal touch and have to have Enrique Iglesias' 'Hero' playing on repeat while the tree is assembled. Sometimes we even take breaks for interpretive dancing. :) Mom would laugh so hard at us as we would slide across the floor in our socks to each other, singing our hearts out into fake microphones! At least the tree always was ready for our Christmas Eve party. Christmas Eve has always been spent with my mom's side of the family, followed by midnight mass at Our Lady of the Rosary, sometimes with both of my parents. The church is so beautiful inside and always decorated the exact same, comforting way. I can't imagine being anywhere else on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure how things will work this year, but I guess that's how new traditions form.

Christmas Day was when we celebrated with my dad's side of the family. There are so many people in my family that it has always worked out better to do a gift exchange than buy for everyone. You will never see a pile of presents higher than at my dad's family's Christmas. Because of the chaos of tons of presents, my grandpa used to always play Santa and read off names and hand them out one by one. After my grandpa passed away, my dad very fittingly took over. He had no shame in his Santa duties (actually, the only downside for him was it interrupted his annual Christmas nap) and he gladly wore a Santa hat (he had a Brown's themed one, too!) to make us all smile. He would accidentally go a little quicker than my grandpa used to when handing out gifts and one of his sisters would undoubtedly speak up to tell him to slow down so they could get pictures or see what was going on. He was more than happy to please. :) My cousin, Chad, does a great job of being Santa now, but it's just not the same. Sometimes change is a welcomed part of life, but I'm missing my traditions.

I know I'm luckier than most to have such fond memories of the holidays growing up, and I don't take that for granted. It occurs to me now that I am going to have to try extra hard to keep traditions up with the transient Air Force lifestyle. I know it won't always be possible to be in Ohio for the holidays, but at least we can try to keep some traditions in tact wherever we are.

I have said 'tradition' an excessive amount by now, but it is the point of this post. Traditions are what make you excited for next year, all year long. They help you bond with others, they create memories, and they are a stable, reliable comfort. I find that even the smallest, yet personal traditions have a huge impact. When Mitch and I got married we were in agreement that Christmas starts the day after Thanksgiving, not a moment before. Our (mini, temporary) tree will go up this Friday, Christmas music will be allowed in the house, and serious Christmas shopping is allowed to commence. Our traditions are mainly hand-me-downs from our families, but I would like to start some of our own this year. I think it will be helpful to me emotionally getting through another "first" set of holidays to have new traditions to look forward to. I guess that means it's time to get on Pinterest to get my creative juices flowing!

Every year I have been most thankful for getting to spend another set of holidays with my mom...this year I am most thankful that I have a wonderful husband, family, and network of friends that make this time of year a little less difficult. I keep saying that it would be impossible to get through without that support, but I do mean it genuinely.

Some final thoughts...
Be extremely thankful for everyone you are able to spend the holidays with and don't take any part of it for granted. Get recipes for your favorite dishes so they can live on and go with you wherever you go. Don't get lazy about keeping old traditions or starting new ones. And don't celebrate Christmas till Friday. ;)

I hope everyone has a safe, blessed, and wonderful Thanksgiving!